Top 5 Middle Names

Top 5 middle names to name your kids. I will use the mysterious pseudonym "Drew" on the off chance that it reduces the google search results correlation between my actual name and this post. Enjoy:

5) Drew "and/or" Stepner

Bob: What's your name?
Me: You can call me "Andrew and/or Stepner"
Bob: Cool.

4) Drew "I don't have one" Stepner

Bob: What's your middle name?
Me: "I don't have one".
Bob: I'm being serious, what's your middle name?
Me: No, I'm being serious, "I don't have one"!
Bob: Go f*ck yourself!

3) Drew "Go f*ck yourself!" Stepner

Speaking of "Go f*ck yourself!", it actually makes a great middle name in and of itself:

Bob: Hey idiot, tell me your middle name.
Me: My middle name is "Go f*ck yourself!"

 See, it has a ring to it.

2) Drew "Hide The Mistletoe" Stepner

[Self explanatory]

1) Drew "Underscore" Stepner

To confuse people when they ask for my email address.

Bob: What's your full name?
Me: Drew "Underscore" Stepner
Bob: Seriously, go f*ck yourself.
Me: Actually, I'd prefer that you call me by my first name

...You're Welcome

Idiots Buy Reese's Miniatures

Who are these idiots who buy the miniature reese’s peanut butter cups?!?!?!

It's inconvenient enough that I have to unwrap 6 regular reese’s peanut butter cups whenever I want a snack, but to make me have to open the equivalent of a dozen miniature KID SIZED pb cups, now that is the peak of ultimate annoyance.

Who has the patience to unwrap 12 candies that are marketed to midgets?!? I mean, the “regular” sized ones are small enough as it is!

How is this not super annoying to everyone?

Who would want to unwrap TWELVE WRAPPERS!?!

Talk about tedious!

Do you people get some sort of sick and twisted joy from unwrapping candies appropriately sized for 4 year olds?

What is the deal?!!?

Dear Reese’s,

How about issuing a recall on all the miniature ones and while you’re at it come out with a real man’s sized peanut butter cup so I don’t need to unwrap 6 of em in a damn sitting. Thanks in advance.

Sincerely...annoyed,
Andrew.

Also, ...You're Welcome.

Latest "Between Two Ferns" Video

Zach Galifianakis is pretty funny...

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Tila Tequila from Between Two Ferns

...You're Welcome

Safeway Birthday Gift Registry

For my birthday I have registered at Safeway [the supermarket]. If you get me something then you are welcome to attend my Birthday Extravaganza (http://www.facebook.com/events/create.php?eid=189843477709309)

Things from Safeway that I like which you can buy me for my Birthday:

-- Mint Ice Cream Sandwich bars

[must deliver promptly to prevent melting]

-- 12 Pack(s) of Cherry Coke Zero

-- Crispix

Roommate complained today that I have too much Crispix (2 and a half boxes!), so screw him buy me some more.

-- Skinny Cow Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream Cones

-- Dreyer's Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup ("Fun Flavors")

-- Celeste Microwavable Frozen Cheese Pizza

-- Gatorade [blue] or Powerade [yellow]

All sizes accepted 

--Bertolli

All varieties that contain 10 grams of fat or more

--Target Gift Cards

If you can't find them, I believe they are located at the end of the cookies isle (just past the soup)

 -- More items to be added...

Please say what you are getting me in the "Comments" section below to ensure against duplicates.

...You're Welcome.

Christmas Cabbie

It's not every night when the cab driver wants to shake your hand before you exit the vehicle...

Clearly non Christmas celebrating Cab Driver: How is your Christmas going?
Me: Not good. I got bupkis from Santa.
Clearly Middle Eastern Cabbie: What’s bubkis?
Me: Its Yiddish for “nothing”.
Clearly ESL Cabbie: Maybe Santa doesn’t speak Yiddish.
Me: I think you are missing my point.

Cabbie: So what was all that noise when I picked you up?
Me: Oh that was the neighbors kids.
Cabbie: Its 1:45am!
Me: I know! These kids must have gotten into the secret stash of Four Loko cuz they are bouncing off the walls in the backyard.
Cabbie: Backyards don't have walls, they have fences.
Me: Thank you for pointing out my oversight.

Cabbie: What are they doing over there?
Me: They are running around in a big circle and screaming.
Cabbie: Why?
Me: I think they are trying to flag down Santa.
Cabbie: Does that work?
Me: I dunno, but they looked like a bunch of starved castaways...on a desert island...trying to flag down a passing plane...like their life depended on it; so yeah I think they’ve actually got a shot at it.

Cabbie: I don't believe that Santa Claus is actually real.
Me: What gave it away?
Cabbie: I realized a year or two ago that it's just very unrealistic. Having thought about it, I think it is pretty obvious that Santa isn’t real.
Me: You might be on to something.

Cabbie: Did you know that Santa’s not even in the bible?
Me: That’s cool that you skimmed through the bible looking for references to Santa. Way to do your research.
Cabbie: I’m Islamic…
Me: [Feigning surprise…]
Cabbie: You want to know the much more realistic story that we teach our kids?
Me: [Feigning interest…]
Cabbie: [Proceeds to give me a surprisingly thorough and unsurprisingly passionate 30 second rendition of the story of Abraham's Sacrifice.]
Me: [After hearing about how the angel flew down from heaven with a sheep…] At least you are not lying to your kids about some crazy made up story like this whole Santa thing. Your hoax is much more reasonable.
Cabbie: [Proudly offers his hand in the hopes that I will shake it.]
Me: [I oblige.]
Cabbie: Have a great night!
Me: Merry Christmas!

Cabbie: Thank you!

Me: ...You're Welcome

Kyle Singler vs. Kyle Singler in H.o.r.s.e

Duke basketball's regular season starts tomorrow.

Here's a cool video of Kyle Singler making shots from literally everywhere.

And a decent New York Times article on him too.


...You're Welcome

Pretty Good Video Game Commercial

Pretty good commercial for a video game. Call of Duty: Black Ops. Check it out...




...You're Welcome

The Darker Side Of Facebook

Facebook needs to embrace the Dark Side...

Top 14 Things We Need To Know About On Facebook (That They Don't Want To Tell Us):

14) "Bob is no longer friends with Bill."

If two people are no longer friends, I want to know about it!

13) "Diane logged in yesterday and viewed Margot's page but did not wish her a happy birthday."

I wonder why not?

12) "Doug has written on Michelle's wall 3 times in the last 10 days."

Doesn't that seem a little much?

11) "Bob would like to be your friend on Facebook. FYI, he was born prior to 1970."

Maybe you should really think this one through before clicking "Confirm". 

10) "Wendy clicked "Like" on 11 different status updates yesterday."

She's kind of a kiss-ass.

9) "Rachel posted this link on Facebook (not Twitter) since Twitter is stupid."

We all know Facebook doesn't like Twitter. F'book should just admit it. Or better yet, they should passive-aggressively talk smack about Twitter via new phrasing like this!

8) Alert, Gayle's profile picture was posted over 500 days ago.

Maybe she hasn't looked that good in a while.

7) "Bob is still not in a relationship."

Enough said.

6) "You have already uploaded over 80 pictures to this album."

Do you really think people are going to want to look at all of them?

5) "Becca has not written on Carly's wall, even though Carly wrote on hers."

Interesting.

4) "The following people did NOT write on your wall for your birthday..."

Do they not care about you?

3) "Justine has logged more than 14 hours on Facebook.com this week."

Maybe you should get her "a life" for Christmas.

2) "Mike saw your name on his chat list three different times yesterday but did not message you."

He must not want to talk to you.

1) "Sara untagged herself from Marla's picture."

Probably because she didn't like the way she looked in it. (See for yourself [link])

...You're Welcome

Top Nine Outgoing Voicemail Messages

This is what you would hear when you call me and I don't pick up. Vote on which one you like best and I'll use the winner on my iPhone:

9) Hi it's Andrew. Our menu options have recently changed...

8) Hi it's Andrew. Thank you for not texting me.

7) Hi it's Andrew. Please leave a message and have a great week. Note how much nicer I am than people who just say "have a nice day". I’m actually wishing you 7 times as much niceness as they are.

6) Hi it's Andrew. Por espanol oprima numero dos.

5) Hi it's Andrew. I’m here to listen. Tell me whatever you like. Take as much time as you need. I promise I won't interrupt. But if you actually need a response, just go ahead and email me.

4) Hi it's Andrew. I'm screening this call so if you want a callback, you better make it good.

3) Hi it's Andrew. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now.

2) Hi it's Andrew. Unfortunately you have reached me during a peak calling period when I am low on minutes. Please call back during my "off-peak hours" (after 9pm or Saturday/Sunday). Thank you for your cooperation during this difficult time.

1) Hi it's Andrew. Please remain on the line and a representative will be with you shortly...


...You're Welcome

Top Ten Condiments IN THE WORLD

11) Hot Mess sauce

I don’t think this exists yet (thus #11) but it's still top 15 on the name alone. If anyone recently invented a sauce and needs a name I would be willing to license you the naming rights.

There is no way people could see “covered in Hot Mess Sauce” on a menu and not order it.

10) Duck Sauce

Not necessarily tops in QUALITY but that tends to be made up for with QUANTITY. Do I really need a full quart of duck sauce to dip five chicken fingers? Probably not. But most Chinese restaurants don’t want to risk it.

If you have ever eaten Chinese food and complained that the restaurant “did not give you enough duck sauce” then you have a serious problem.

9) Butterscotch

Condiments automatically get bonus points if they go well with ice cream.

8) Caramel

If an ice cream place offers both butterscotch AND caramel, I specifically ask for BOTH on my sundae. Mixing them isn’t alchemy or anything, but you will always get more TOTAL sauce by ordering both.

7) Sauce-They-Put-On-The-Chicken at any “Food Court” Chinese Food Place

Depending on the chain, they call it by different names but two things are ALWAYS the same:

1) The chicken is terrible

2) The sauce ON the chicken is amazing.

I don’t eat it due to reason #1, but you have to admit that it’s really not the sauce’s fault.

6) Arby's [self-titled] sauce

It’s hard to go wrong when a restaurant names a sauce after itself. You can be confident that the management have all tried the sauce themselves and are pretty damn sure that you will like it.

5) Sweet and Sour

Remember that time that you dipped something in sweet and sour sauce and did not like it? No, you don’t remember that because it hasn’t happened yet.

4) Hot Fudge

You don’t need me to explain this one to you.

3) Bojangles Honey Mustard

I have NEVER seen them give you less than two packets at a time. And I am pretty sure I know why. They must have given some guy only one pack back in the day and he must have gone postal. Now they always serve you AT LEAST 2 packs just to ensure that you don’t make a scene.

2) Lava

Best known for its work in “Molten Chocolate Lava Cakes”. Sometimes refered to as “ganache”. Little known fact: It actually tastes just as good without the cake! All that is really essential besides the Lava is a spoon.

1) Chick Fil A Sauce

Even God is pissed that it isn’t available on Sundays.

...You're Welcome

Excellent Fake Trailer

...You're Welcome

Top 10 Email Signatures Part 2

For reference, please see: Top 10 Email Signatures Part 1

10) Take Care, but not too much,
Andrew

9) Oozing with Sincerity,
Andrew

8) I BCC'd someone but I'm not going to tell you who,
Andrew

7) Not "Sent from my iPhone" but I still want to point out that I do have an iPhone,
Andrew

6) Andrew "likes" this email,
Andrew

5) Dripping with Excellence,
Andrew

4) Sent from My Couch,
Andrew

3) Now would be a good time to scroll up and click "Reply",
Andrew

2) The New Slickness,
Andrew

1) You should have figured out by now who sent this,
Andrew


...You're Welcome,
Andrew

Burning NASCAR Questions

I have a friend that knows nothing about NASCAR. She went to meet racecar driver Matt Kenseth and asked me to provide her with some questions. Here's what I wanted answers to:

1) How much of Talladega Nights was real?
2) Do you ever forget to use your turn signal in real life since you don't have one on your racecar?
3) Conan or Leno?
4) Are nascar video games realistic? (How come I always crash?)
5) If nascar had referees stand out in the middle of the track would that make it more of a real sport?
6) Do you get sick of people saying nascar is not a real sport?
7) What were you for Halloween?
8) Tony Stewart is kind of a jerk, isn't he?
9) Have you seen Avatar? Wasn't it awesome!?!?!
10) Why don't northerners like nascar? Have you ever considered doing a "fan exchange" with the hockey?

Bonus Question - Have you ever used "if you ain't rubbin', you ain't racin' " as a pickup line? If so, does it work?


...You're Welcome

Tremendous High School Lip Dub

Check out this lip dub video.

Tremendous.

Great concept and production and it was only made by high schoolers.



...You're Welcome

41 Facts About Duke Basketball

Some people are whining about how Duke Basketball has "lost it". I am talking to you, "Veter Paccarella".

Here are 41 facts (including quotes) to help talk you down from the ledge:

Miles Plumlee
1) Miles Plumlee started high school as a point guard (before he grew).
2) Miles is now 6' 10".
3) This year Miles added 15 pounds.
4) “I know there's no one faster than me at my size.” - Miles Plumlee
5) Miles' verticle leap is up from 32 inches to 36 inches.
6) Miles now has the best verticle leap on the entire Duke team.
7) "Miles has been a monster this summer." - Jon Scheyer
8) "Miles I thought played so strong. He’s done that all preseason so far." - Coach K
9) Miles played less than 7 minutes per game as a freshman last year.
10) This year Miles is projected to be a starter..

Ryan Kelly
11) Freshman Ryan Kelly is 6'10".
12) Kelly won the McDonalds 3 point shooting contest.
13) In the first exhibition game Kelly had 18 points on 11 shots in 22 minutes.
14) Kelly also had 5 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks, and NO turnovers.
15) "[Ryan Kelly]'s just a really good player" - Coach K

Mason Plumlee
16) Freshman Mason Plumlee is 6'10".
17) Mason was second in the McDonalds slam dunk contest.

18) Mason had 8 offensive rebounds in the exhibition.
19) “All three [freshmen] are good players." - Coach K

Two Plumlees
20) The Plumlee brothers combined for less than 40 minutes in the exhibition.
21) Three Duke players had double doubles including both Plumlees.

Kyle Singler
22) Kyle Singler grabbed 7 rebounds at small forward in the exhibition.
23) Singler used to play power forward.
24) Singler, playing on the perimeter in the exhibition drew 9 free throws (in 23 minutes), most on the team.

Kyle Singler 3.0
25) A year ago Gerald Henderson was coming off a 12.7 points per game sophomore year.
26) Kyle Singler had 16.5 points per game last year as a sophomore.
27) This is the first year that Singler does not have to play or practice with the big men.
28) "Down to 3 or 4 percent [body fat]" - Kyle Singler

Adapting the System
29) People question Coach K's coaching flexibility
30) "Half an hour of [first practice was] devoted to deploying the team in a couple of different zone defenses" - Mike DeCourcy
31) "We’ve been working on our high-low action..." - Coach K

Recruiting
32) Next year's freshmen will come in ranked: #5, #30, and #95.
33) Duke also gets transfer Seth Curry, next year.
34) [Censored]
35) [Censored]

This Year's Team
36) From last year's team's three point shooting they keep 38.5%, 38.3% and 34.6% shooters.
37) Duke got rid of 33.6%, 33.6%, and 25% three point shooters.
38) Duke's freshman winner of the McDonalds 3 point shooting contest (Kelly) is not considered to be as good of a shooter as freshman Andre Dawkins.
39) Duke scored 128 in their first exhibition game.
40) "I thought overall we looked good." - Coach K
41) ...You're Welcome

[Note: This fact list style is ripped off/inspired by Matthew Berry and his "100 Facts..."]

Speed Bumps Are Un-American

The time has come to unveil my Anti Speed Bumps Initiative.

The wait is over. Here is the plan.

Who: You...Us. Everyone. (Think V for Vendetta)

What: Anti Speed Bumps Movement

Where: Wherever there are speed bumps. I am talking to you suburbs.

Why: Speed Bumps are an eyesore. They are Un-American. They are the ugly love handles in the middle of our otherwise svelte roads.

Are you pro-muffin-tops? Of course not. Then why the hell would you support speed bumps? Exactly.

How: We are going to have to go grass roots on this one...

1) Badmouth speed bumps at every opportunity.

(Example:

Bob: "What do you think about the whole health care debate?"

You: "I don't know, but I do know one thing, and its this: we need to get rid of all those damn speed bumps or this country is screwed.")

2) Tell anyone who will listen how ugly speed bumps are. This is not the time to be tactful in your criticism.

3) Make analogies between bad things and speed bumps.

Example: You: "I had to wait for 3 hours today at the frickin' DMV. It was hell. It was like having to drive over speed bumps!!!"

4) Do not under ANY circumstances buy a speed bump costume or go to a Halloween party dressed as a speed bump.

If you want to steal candy from anyone violating this rule, that is up to you.

5) Honk every time you go over a speed bump. Let the people who live on that street feel the same level of sheer and utter annoyance that you feel. EVERY TIME.

(They are not innocent here. They probably asked the town to put them in in the first place. Besides, your honking is just a "warning" to other drivers that they need to slow down.)

6) Go as fast as humanly possible in between speed bumps. (The last thing we want is people believing that speed bumps actually slow people down!)

This means that you:

a) Slowly go over the first speed bump...then

b) Absolutely floor it.

c) Maintain max acceleration until you get dangerously close to the next speed bump.

d) At this point slam on your brakes.

e) You have anti-lock brakes. Use them.

f) Rinse.

g) Repeat.

7) We need someone who can loan us a jackhammer. Does anyone own a jackhammer?

8) Speed Bumps: The Horror Movie.

Think Michael Moore activism but in the horror movie genre. This is not my area of expertise so any volunteers to spearhead this part of the movement would be appreciated.

9) We must show these people that speed bumps promote reckless, lightning fast, dangerous driving and should be removed at all costs.

Only then can this plight be lifted.

Victory at all costs.

...You're Welcome.

They put the "Fast" in Fast Food

Just reached a new all-time low in the Fast Food Ordering department...

Waited no less than 10 minutes for a #1 combo at Arby's. This is the "#1" combo. Its the most popular item they have. Its a regular roast beef sandwich. Its roast beef. This is the company that wants you to pronounce "R.B." in their name. Thats for roast beef! Its what it stands for!

And its not like I ordered special prep. There is no "hold-the-pickle-situation". Its strictly bun-beef-bun. You also need to put it in a wrapper. Thats it.


Perhaps the hold-up was the curly fries. I might have thought they were waiting on fresh curly fries except for the fact that the ones I received were not very fresh. Perhaps they were waiting for them to cool off but just way misestimated.

But no. No, it was not any of that. It was simply 5 Arby's employees sitting around with no urge to serve me.

Anyway, this in and of itself was not enough to be a new high water mark in poor fast food service. In fact, any educated person should bring a book or at least a magazine article with them when they grab fast food by themselves just in case this slow service contingency comes to fruition.

But the thing that makes this the All-Time-Low-Point is the fact that I only went to Arby's because I had to leave Burger King.

"Why did I have to leave Burger King?" you ask. Well, I had to leave because they had no french fries. NO FRENCH FRIES.

That wasn't a typo. Burger King had burgers. But no french fries. Of course. Why would you need french fries?

Turns out the fryer was broken. The fryer was broken. At Burger King. No fried food. Unbelievable.

The worst fast food service experience ever. I recommended to the Burger King people that they might get that fixed.

...You're Welcome.

Patriots Linebacker Analysis

Everyone seems to be complaining about the New England Patriots' outside linebacker situation. For some reason they assume that just because we traded away an elderly Mike Vrabel that we have no pass rush. I have a contrarian take on this, so...

I got a question in over at the Reiss's Pieces mailbag (Patriots Blog). Its on Tully Banta-Cain and the 7th question down:

http://www.boston.com/sports/football/patriots/extras/askreiss/05_12_09/?page=full

Although Mike Reiss runs one of the best blogs out there I do think he might be sleeping on Tully as well.

As I mentioned to him in the portion of my question that was abridged, Banta-Cain only started 6 games in 2006 and still managed 5.5 sacks! Thats more than either Mike Vrabel or Jason Taylor could manage this past year!

Banta-Cain is only 29 years old and I don't think its much of a stretch to expect a bounce back year from him now that he is reunited with the Patriots.

Tully Banta-Cain, everyone is counting you out but me. ...You're Welcome.

Belichick on the Draft

"Again, the best example I could give would be that it’s like studying for a final exam. You have a semester’s worth of information and material. Which five questions are going to be on the exam? I don’t know. You have to study all the material. You hope you are on the target for the ones he asks. When it is over, you probably wish you would have studied more on something else and maybe spent a little less time on another area, but that is the way it is in the draft every year. You have to be prepared for everything. In the end you don’t know exactly what it’s going to be."


...You're Welcome

How the Financial Crisis started...

Some guy made this for his Thesis.

I found it thanks to Dan Ariely's blog at http://www.predictablyirrational.com/

Its a pretty well done video, although it does go a bit long at 11 minutes (feel free to fast forward)




...You're Welcome