Top 5 middle names to name your kids. I will use the mysterious pseudonym "Drew" on the off chance that it reduces the google search results correlation between my actual name and this post. Enjoy:
5) Drew "and/or" Stepner
Bob: What's your name?
Me: You can call me "Andrew and/or Stepner"
Bob: Cool.
4) Drew "I don't have one" Stepner
Bob: What's your middle name?
Me: "I don't have one".
Bob: I'm being serious, what's your middle name?
Me: No, I'm being serious, "I don't have one"!
Bob: Go f*ck yourself!
3) Drew "Go f*ck yourself!" Stepner
Speaking of "Go f*ck yourself!", it actually makes a great middle name in and of itself:
Bob: Hey idiot, tell me your middle name.
Me: My middle name is "Go f*ck yourself!"
See, it has a ring to it.
2) Drew "Hide The Mistletoe" Stepner
[Self explanatory]
1) Drew "Underscore" Stepner
To confuse people when they ask for my email address.
Bob: What's your full name?
Me: Drew "Underscore" Stepner
Bob: Seriously, go f*ck yourself.
Me: Actually, I'd prefer that you call me by my first name
Top 14 Things We Need To Know About On Facebook (That They Don't Want To Tell Us):
14) "Bob is no longer friends with Bill."
If two people are no longer friends, I want to know about it!
13) "Diane logged in yesterday and viewed Margot's page but did not wish her a happy birthday."
I wonder why not?
12) "Doug has written on Michelle's wall 3 times in the last 10 days."
Doesn't that seem a little much?
11) "Bob would like to be your friend on Facebook. FYI, he was born prior to 1970."
Maybe you should really think this one through before clicking "Confirm".
10) "Wendy clicked "Like" on 11 different status updates yesterday."
She's kind of a kiss-ass.
9) "Rachel posted this link on Facebook (not Twitter) since Twitter is stupid."
We all know Facebook doesn't like Twitter. F'book should just admit it. Or better yet, they should passive-aggressively talk smack about Twitter via new phrasing like this!
8) Alert, Gayle's profile picture was posted over 500 days ago.
Maybe she hasn't looked that good in a while.
7) "Bob is still not in a relationship."
Enough said.
6) "You have already uploaded over 80 pictures to this album."
Do you really think people are going to want to look at all of them?
5) "Becca has not written on Carly's wall, even though Carly wrote on hers."
Interesting.
4) "The following people did NOT write on your wall for your birthday..."
Do they not care about you?
3) "Justine has logged more than 14 hours on Facebook.com this week."
Maybe you should get her "a life" for Christmas.
2) "Mike saw your name on his chat list three different times yesterday but did not message you."
He must not want to talk to you.
1) "Sara untagged herself from Marla's picture."
Probably because she didn't like the way she looked in it. (See for yourself [link])
This is what you would hear when you call me and I don't pick up. Vote on which one you like best and I'll use the winner on my iPhone:
9) Hi it's Andrew. Our menu options have recently changed...
8) Hi it's Andrew. Thank you for not texting me.
7) Hi it's Andrew. Please leave a message and have a great week. Note how much nicer I am than people who just say "have a nice day". I’m actually wishing you 7 times as much niceness as they are.
6) Hi it's Andrew. Por espanol oprima numero dos.
5) Hi it's Andrew. I’m here to listen. Tell me whatever you like. Take as much time as you need. I promise I won't interrupt. But if you actually need a response, just go ahead and email me.
4) Hi it's Andrew. I'm screening this call so if you want a callback, you better make it good.
3) Hi it's Andrew. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now.
2) Hi it's Andrew. Unfortunately you have reached me during a peak calling period when I am low on minutes. Please call back during my "off-peak hours" (after 9pm or Saturday/Sunday). Thank you for your cooperation during this difficult time.
1) Hi it's Andrew. Please remain on the line and a representative will be with you shortly...
I don’t think this exists yet (thus #11) but it's still top 15 on the name alone. If anyone recently invented a sauce and needs a name I would be willing to license you the naming rights.
There is no way people could see “covered in Hot Mess Sauce” on a menu and not order it.
10) Duck Sauce
Not necessarily tops in QUALITY but that tends to be made up for with QUANTITY. Do I really need a full quart of duck sauce to dip five chicken fingers? Probably not. But most Chinese restaurants don’t want to risk it.
If you have ever eaten Chinese food and complained that the restaurant “did not give you enough duck sauce” then you have a serious problem.
9) Butterscotch
Condiments automatically get bonus points if they go well with ice cream.
8) Caramel
If an ice cream place offers both butterscotch AND caramel, I specifically ask for BOTH on my sundae. Mixing them isn’t alchemy or anything, but you will always get more TOTAL sauce by ordering both.
7) Sauce-They-Put-On-The-Chicken at any “Food Court” Chinese Food Place
Depending on the chain, they call it by different names but two things are ALWAYS the same:
1) The chicken is terrible
2) The sauce ON the chicken is amazing.
I don’t eat it due to reason #1, but you have to admit that it’s really not the sauce’s fault.
6) Arby's [self-titled] sauce
It’s hard to go wrong when a restaurant names a sauce after itself. You can be confident that the management have all tried the sauce themselves and are pretty damn sure that you will like it.
5) Sweet and Sour
Remember that time that you dipped something in sweet and sour sauce and did not like it? No, you don’t remember that because it hasn’t happened yet.
4) Hot Fudge
You don’t need me to explain this one to you.
3) Bojangles Honey Mustard
I have NEVER seen them give you less than two packets at a time. And I am pretty sure I know why. They must have given some guy only one pack back in the day and he must have gone postal. Now they always serve you AT LEAST 2 packs just to ensure that you don’t make a scene.
2) Lava
Best known for its work in “Molten Chocolate Lava Cakes”. Sometimes refered to as “ganache”. Little known fact: It actually tastes just as good without the cake! All that is really essential besides the Lava is a spoon.
1) Chick Fil A Sauce
Even God is pissed that it isn’t available on Sundays.
Tips for marketing yourself on Facebook. Because there is no more important brand image to maintain than your own.
Part 1 of a two-part series....
13) Constantly update your Status
This one is a no brainer. If you don't update your status then why would you even bother marketing yourself via Facebook. If this applies to you, then I suggest that you focus your efforts instead on helping to improve my facebook brand image.
12) Comment on your own Status
By lengthening the visual space surrounding your Status Message you separate it a bit from the neighboring Status Messages in the list. This makes it more likely to catch the eye of friends scrolling through the list, helping to give prominence to whatever pointless thing it is that you are doing.
11) Blog about your Facebook Status
Cross-promotion is essential. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1304195&ref=profile
10) Be either the first or the last to wish someone happy birthday.
If you are first to post on their wall then everyone with subsequent birthday wishes will notice that you were first. If you are last then anyone checking the profile later will see you as the most recent posting.
9) Post on other people's Walls whenever you have any excuse to.
There are two reasons for this: 1) People will see it and think of you, and 2) The recipient is likely to reciprocate by posting a message onto your Wall boosting your implied popularity.
8) Delete any News Feed messages on your Wall that are unflattering.
For example, if someone posts on your Wall that "you are just a dumbass trying to get attention on Facebook" then apply the golden rule: They are a dumbass and their post should be deleted.
7) Do not Tag Photos on the same day that you upload them.
This will encourage people to view all of your photos instead of just the ones that they are tagged in. Then, go back and tag all of these photos a day or two later. This second step is essential so that your act of Tagging appears in people's News Feeds for a second time (in addition to the time when you simply uploaded).
6) Do not comment on photos on the same day that you upload or tag them.
This is for the same reason as in #7. Upload photos for attention. Comment on them later for more attention...
5) Encourage people to change their settings so that YOU appear in their News Feed more frequently.
Direct them to the lower left box on this page: http://www.new.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/feed_prefs.php
4) Toggle your Profile Picture constantly.
This is vital. It is done to increase the number of times that you appear in other people's News Feeds. They will see not just your name, but a visual image to help keep you top of mind. Keep in mind that you do not need a constant supply of new pictures. Simply choose your best ones and toggle back and forth between them.
3) Call attention to your Relationship Status by toggling it back and forth to "Single".
This is #4, only applied to a different component of your profile. It is recommended for females only and is executed by changing your relationship status from "Single" to no relationship status listed. Now check your Wall and delete the evidence (the line item that says "Charlize is no longer single"). Wait a day, then go ahead and toggle it back to "Single". Your wall will now show a nice fresh new message reminding the world that "Charlize is now single".
2) Properly format your Profile Picture Thumbnail.
People will see this version of your profile picture more often than the entire photo itself, so it is vital that the thumbnail doesn't cut off your head.
1) Only allow other people to "co-star" in your Profile Picture strategically.
Do not take this lightly. As Confusious probably would have said, were he still alive: "When in doubt, cut them out." Others should only be allowed to appear alongside you when they are a clear value-add. Examples include: Someone of the opposite sex that is impressively hot, someone that is known to be good looking but happens not to look good in this picture (on a relative basis you will look good next to them), a cute baby, a cute dog, etc, etc.
10) Glaceau Smartwater - Sometimes a name doesn't say a lot about the people drinking it.
9) Perrier/Gerolsteiner/S. Pellegrino - These waters are carbonated which means you are not only pretentious but you also hate for your water to taste good.
8) Ethos - Its not enough to pay $4 for a cup of coffee, you go to Starbucks to get ripped off on bottled water too.
6) Fiji - I have seen Jews at school saving their empty bottles and refilling them at the water fountain. MUST be expensive.
5) Voss - Norwegian, Artesian, and the name most likely to come up when playing the word association game and giving the person the phrase "pretentious bottled water".
4) Evian - Evian coming in at only #4 is not to say that the French aren't pretentious, just that they have gotten a little cocky about being pretentious and let others catch up.
3) Trump Ice - Nothing says cla$$y like drinking water with a giant close up picture of Donald Trump's mug on it.
2) Sly Pure Glacial Water - Because when you think premium bottled water the first thing that you think of is water officially sponsored by Sylvester Stalone. $16 per gallon.
1) Bling H2O - Paris Hilton was alleged seen pouring some of this water for her dog. That might not have been enough to make it #1, except for the fact that it costs $40 a bottle.
