Speed Bumps Are Un-American

The time has come to unveil my Anti Speed Bumps Initiative.

The wait is over. Here is the plan.

Who: You...Us. Everyone. (Think V for Vendetta)

What: Anti Speed Bumps Movement

Where: Wherever there are speed bumps. I am talking to you suburbs.

Why: Speed Bumps are an eyesore. They are Un-American. They are the ugly love handles in the middle of our otherwise svelte roads.

Are you pro-muffin-tops? Of course not. Then why the hell would you support speed bumps? Exactly.

How: We are going to have to go grass roots on this one...

1) Badmouth speed bumps at every opportunity.

(Example:

Bob: "What do you think about the whole health care debate?"

You: "I don't know, but I do know one thing, and its this: we need to get rid of all those damn speed bumps or this country is screwed.")

2) Tell anyone who will listen how ugly speed bumps are. This is not the time to be tactful in your criticism.

3) Make analogies between bad things and speed bumps.

Example: You: "I had to wait for 3 hours today at the frickin' DMV. It was hell. It was like having to drive over speed bumps!!!"

4) Do not under ANY circumstances buy a speed bump costume or go to a Halloween party dressed as a speed bump.

If you want to steal candy from anyone violating this rule, that is up to you.

5) Honk every time you go over a speed bump. Let the people who live on that street feel the same level of sheer and utter annoyance that you feel. EVERY TIME.

(They are not innocent here. They probably asked the town to put them in in the first place. Besides, your honking is just a "warning" to other drivers that they need to slow down.)

6) Go as fast as humanly possible in between speed bumps. (The last thing we want is people believing that speed bumps actually slow people down!)

This means that you:

a) Slowly go over the first speed bump...then

b) Absolutely floor it.

c) Maintain max acceleration until you get dangerously close to the next speed bump.

d) At this point slam on your brakes.

e) You have anti-lock brakes. Use them.

f) Rinse.

g) Repeat.

7) We need someone who can loan us a jackhammer. Does anyone own a jackhammer?

8) Speed Bumps: The Horror Movie.

Think Michael Moore activism but in the horror movie genre. This is not my area of expertise so any volunteers to spearhead this part of the movement would be appreciated.

9) We must show these people that speed bumps promote reckless, lightning fast, dangerous driving and should be removed at all costs.

Only then can this plight be lifted.

Victory at all costs.

...You're Welcome.