The Darker Side Of Facebook

Facebook needs to embrace the Dark Side...

Top 14 Things We Need To Know About On Facebook (That They Don't Want To Tell Us):

14) "Bob is no longer friends with Bill."

If two people are no longer friends, I want to know about it!

13) "Diane logged in yesterday and viewed Margot's page but did not wish her a happy birthday."

I wonder why not?

12) "Doug has written on Michelle's wall 3 times in the last 10 days."

Doesn't that seem a little much?

11) "Bob would like to be your friend on Facebook. FYI, he was born prior to 1970."

Maybe you should really think this one through before clicking "Confirm". 

10) "Wendy clicked "Like" on 11 different status updates yesterday."

She's kind of a kiss-ass.

9) "Rachel posted this link on Facebook (not Twitter) since Twitter is stupid."

We all know Facebook doesn't like Twitter. F'book should just admit it. Or better yet, they should passive-aggressively talk smack about Twitter via new phrasing like this!

8) Alert, Gayle's profile picture was posted over 500 days ago.

Maybe she hasn't looked that good in a while.

7) "Bob is still not in a relationship."

Enough said.

6) "You have already uploaded over 80 pictures to this album."

Do you really think people are going to want to look at all of them?

5) "Becca has not written on Carly's wall, even though Carly wrote on hers."

Interesting.

4) "The following people did NOT write on your wall for your birthday..."

Do they not care about you?

3) "Justine has logged more than 14 hours on Facebook.com this week."

Maybe you should get her "a life" for Christmas.

2) "Mike saw your name on his chat list three different times yesterday but did not message you."

He must not want to talk to you.

1) "Sara untagged herself from Marla's picture."

Probably because she didn't like the way she looked in it. (See for yourself [link])

...You're Welcome

Top Nine Outgoing Voicemail Messages

This is what you would hear when you call me and I don't pick up. Vote on which one you like best and I'll use the winner on my iPhone:

9) Hi it's Andrew. Our menu options have recently changed...

8) Hi it's Andrew. Thank you for not texting me.

7) Hi it's Andrew. Please leave a message and have a great week. Note how much nicer I am than people who just say "have a nice day". I’m actually wishing you 7 times as much niceness as they are.

6) Hi it's Andrew. Por espanol oprima numero dos.

5) Hi it's Andrew. I’m here to listen. Tell me whatever you like. Take as much time as you need. I promise I won't interrupt. But if you actually need a response, just go ahead and email me.

4) Hi it's Andrew. I'm screening this call so if you want a callback, you better make it good.

3) Hi it's Andrew. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now.

2) Hi it's Andrew. Unfortunately you have reached me during a peak calling period when I am low on minutes. Please call back during my "off-peak hours" (after 9pm or Saturday/Sunday). Thank you for your cooperation during this difficult time.

1) Hi it's Andrew. Please remain on the line and a representative will be with you shortly...


...You're Welcome

Top Ten Condiments IN THE WORLD

11) Hot Mess sauce

I don’t think this exists yet (thus #11) but it's still top 15 on the name alone. If anyone recently invented a sauce and needs a name I would be willing to license you the naming rights.

There is no way people could see “covered in Hot Mess Sauce” on a menu and not order it.

10) Duck Sauce

Not necessarily tops in QUALITY but that tends to be made up for with QUANTITY. Do I really need a full quart of duck sauce to dip five chicken fingers? Probably not. But most Chinese restaurants don’t want to risk it.

If you have ever eaten Chinese food and complained that the restaurant “did not give you enough duck sauce” then you have a serious problem.

9) Butterscotch

Condiments automatically get bonus points if they go well with ice cream.

8) Caramel

If an ice cream place offers both butterscotch AND caramel, I specifically ask for BOTH on my sundae. Mixing them isn’t alchemy or anything, but you will always get more TOTAL sauce by ordering both.

7) Sauce-They-Put-On-The-Chicken at any “Food Court” Chinese Food Place

Depending on the chain, they call it by different names but two things are ALWAYS the same:

1) The chicken is terrible

2) The sauce ON the chicken is amazing.

I don’t eat it due to reason #1, but you have to admit that it’s really not the sauce’s fault.

6) Arby's [self-titled] sauce

It’s hard to go wrong when a restaurant names a sauce after itself. You can be confident that the management have all tried the sauce themselves and are pretty damn sure that you will like it.

5) Sweet and Sour

Remember that time that you dipped something in sweet and sour sauce and did not like it? No, you don’t remember that because it hasn’t happened yet.

4) Hot Fudge

You don’t need me to explain this one to you.

3) Bojangles Honey Mustard

I have NEVER seen them give you less than two packets at a time. And I am pretty sure I know why. They must have given some guy only one pack back in the day and he must have gone postal. Now they always serve you AT LEAST 2 packs just to ensure that you don’t make a scene.

2) Lava

Best known for its work in “Molten Chocolate Lava Cakes”. Sometimes refered to as “ganache”. Little known fact: It actually tastes just as good without the cake! All that is really essential besides the Lava is a spoon.

1) Chick Fil A Sauce

Even God is pissed that it isn’t available on Sundays.

...You're Welcome

Excellent Fake Trailer

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Top 10 Email Signatures Part 2

For reference, please see: Top 10 Email Signatures Part 1

10) Take Care, but not too much,
Andrew

9) Oozing with Sincerity,
Andrew

8) I BCC'd someone but I'm not going to tell you who,
Andrew

7) Not "Sent from my iPhone" but I still want to point out that I do have an iPhone,
Andrew

6) Andrew "likes" this email,
Andrew

5) Dripping with Excellence,
Andrew

4) Sent from My Couch,
Andrew

3) Now would be a good time to scroll up and click "Reply",
Andrew

2) The New Slickness,
Andrew

1) You should have figured out by now who sent this,
Andrew


...You're Welcome,
Andrew

Burning NASCAR Questions

I have a friend that knows nothing about NASCAR. She went to meet racecar driver Matt Kenseth and asked me to provide her with some questions. Here's what I wanted answers to:

1) How much of Talladega Nights was real?
2) Do you ever forget to use your turn signal in real life since you don't have one on your racecar?
3) Conan or Leno?
4) Are nascar video games realistic? (How come I always crash?)
5) If nascar had referees stand out in the middle of the track would that make it more of a real sport?
6) Do you get sick of people saying nascar is not a real sport?
7) What were you for Halloween?
8) Tony Stewart is kind of a jerk, isn't he?
9) Have you seen Avatar? Wasn't it awesome!?!?!
10) Why don't northerners like nascar? Have you ever considered doing a "fan exchange" with the hockey?

Bonus Question - Have you ever used "if you ain't rubbin', you ain't racin' " as a pickup line? If so, does it work?


...You're Welcome

Tremendous High School Lip Dub

Check out this lip dub video.

Tremendous.

Great concept and production and it was only made by high schoolers.



...You're Welcome

41 Facts About Duke Basketball

Some people are whining about how Duke Basketball has "lost it". I am talking to you, "Veter Paccarella".

Here are 41 facts (including quotes) to help talk you down from the ledge:

Miles Plumlee
1) Miles Plumlee started high school as a point guard (before he grew).
2) Miles is now 6' 10".
3) This year Miles added 15 pounds.
4) “I know there's no one faster than me at my size.” - Miles Plumlee
5) Miles' verticle leap is up from 32 inches to 36 inches.
6) Miles now has the best verticle leap on the entire Duke team.
7) "Miles has been a monster this summer." - Jon Scheyer
8) "Miles I thought played so strong. He’s done that all preseason so far." - Coach K
9) Miles played less than 7 minutes per game as a freshman last year.
10) This year Miles is projected to be a starter..

Ryan Kelly
11) Freshman Ryan Kelly is 6'10".
12) Kelly won the McDonalds 3 point shooting contest.
13) In the first exhibition game Kelly had 18 points on 11 shots in 22 minutes.
14) Kelly also had 5 assists, 3 steals, 2 blocks, and NO turnovers.
15) "[Ryan Kelly]'s just a really good player" - Coach K

Mason Plumlee
16) Freshman Mason Plumlee is 6'10".
17) Mason was second in the McDonalds slam dunk contest.

18) Mason had 8 offensive rebounds in the exhibition.
19) “All three [freshmen] are good players." - Coach K

Two Plumlees
20) The Plumlee brothers combined for less than 40 minutes in the exhibition.
21) Three Duke players had double doubles including both Plumlees.

Kyle Singler
22) Kyle Singler grabbed 7 rebounds at small forward in the exhibition.
23) Singler used to play power forward.
24) Singler, playing on the perimeter in the exhibition drew 9 free throws (in 23 minutes), most on the team.

Kyle Singler 3.0
25) A year ago Gerald Henderson was coming off a 12.7 points per game sophomore year.
26) Kyle Singler had 16.5 points per game last year as a sophomore.
27) This is the first year that Singler does not have to play or practice with the big men.
28) "Down to 3 or 4 percent [body fat]" - Kyle Singler

Adapting the System
29) People question Coach K's coaching flexibility
30) "Half an hour of [first practice was] devoted to deploying the team in a couple of different zone defenses" - Mike DeCourcy
31) "We’ve been working on our high-low action..." - Coach K

Recruiting
32) Next year's freshmen will come in ranked: #5, #30, and #95.
33) Duke also gets transfer Seth Curry, next year.
34) [Censored]
35) [Censored]

This Year's Team
36) From last year's team's three point shooting they keep 38.5%, 38.3% and 34.6% shooters.
37) Duke got rid of 33.6%, 33.6%, and 25% three point shooters.
38) Duke's freshman winner of the McDonalds 3 point shooting contest (Kelly) is not considered to be as good of a shooter as freshman Andre Dawkins.
39) Duke scored 128 in their first exhibition game.
40) "I thought overall we looked good." - Coach K
41) ...You're Welcome

[Note: This fact list style is ripped off/inspired by Matthew Berry and his "100 Facts..."]

Speed Bumps Are Un-American

The time has come to unveil my Anti Speed Bumps Initiative.

The wait is over. Here is the plan.

Who: You...Us. Everyone. (Think V for Vendetta)

What: Anti Speed Bumps Movement

Where: Wherever there are speed bumps. I am talking to you suburbs.

Why: Speed Bumps are an eyesore. They are Un-American. They are the ugly love handles in the middle of our otherwise svelte roads.

Are you pro-muffin-tops? Of course not. Then why the hell would you support speed bumps? Exactly.

How: We are going to have to go grass roots on this one...

1) Badmouth speed bumps at every opportunity.

(Example:

Bob: "What do you think about the whole health care debate?"

You: "I don't know, but I do know one thing, and its this: we need to get rid of all those damn speed bumps or this country is screwed.")

2) Tell anyone who will listen how ugly speed bumps are. This is not the time to be tactful in your criticism.

3) Make analogies between bad things and speed bumps.

Example: You: "I had to wait for 3 hours today at the frickin' DMV. It was hell. It was like having to drive over speed bumps!!!"

4) Do not under ANY circumstances buy a speed bump costume or go to a Halloween party dressed as a speed bump.

If you want to steal candy from anyone violating this rule, that is up to you.

5) Honk every time you go over a speed bump. Let the people who live on that street feel the same level of sheer and utter annoyance that you feel. EVERY TIME.

(They are not innocent here. They probably asked the town to put them in in the first place. Besides, your honking is just a "warning" to other drivers that they need to slow down.)

6) Go as fast as humanly possible in between speed bumps. (The last thing we want is people believing that speed bumps actually slow people down!)

This means that you:

a) Slowly go over the first speed bump...then

b) Absolutely floor it.

c) Maintain max acceleration until you get dangerously close to the next speed bump.

d) At this point slam on your brakes.

e) You have anti-lock brakes. Use them.

f) Rinse.

g) Repeat.

7) We need someone who can loan us a jackhammer. Does anyone own a jackhammer?

8) Speed Bumps: The Horror Movie.

Think Michael Moore activism but in the horror movie genre. This is not my area of expertise so any volunteers to spearhead this part of the movement would be appreciated.

9) We must show these people that speed bumps promote reckless, lightning fast, dangerous driving and should be removed at all costs.

Only then can this plight be lifted.

Victory at all costs.

...You're Welcome.

They put the "Fast" in Fast Food

Just reached a new all-time low in the Fast Food Ordering department...

Waited no less than 10 minutes for a #1 combo at Arby's. This is the "#1" combo. Its the most popular item they have. Its a regular roast beef sandwich. Its roast beef. This is the company that wants you to pronounce "R.B." in their name. Thats for roast beef! Its what it stands for!

And its not like I ordered special prep. There is no "hold-the-pickle-situation". Its strictly bun-beef-bun. You also need to put it in a wrapper. Thats it.


Perhaps the hold-up was the curly fries. I might have thought they were waiting on fresh curly fries except for the fact that the ones I received were not very fresh. Perhaps they were waiting for them to cool off but just way misestimated.

But no. No, it was not any of that. It was simply 5 Arby's employees sitting around with no urge to serve me.

Anyway, this in and of itself was not enough to be a new high water mark in poor fast food service. In fact, any educated person should bring a book or at least a magazine article with them when they grab fast food by themselves just in case this slow service contingency comes to fruition.

But the thing that makes this the All-Time-Low-Point is the fact that I only went to Arby's because I had to leave Burger King.

"Why did I have to leave Burger King?" you ask. Well, I had to leave because they had no french fries. NO FRENCH FRIES.

That wasn't a typo. Burger King had burgers. But no french fries. Of course. Why would you need french fries?

Turns out the fryer was broken. The fryer was broken. At Burger King. No fried food. Unbelievable.

The worst fast food service experience ever. I recommended to the Burger King people that they might get that fixed.

...You're Welcome.

Patriots Linebacker Analysis

Everyone seems to be complaining about the New England Patriots' outside linebacker situation. For some reason they assume that just because we traded away an elderly Mike Vrabel that we have no pass rush. I have a contrarian take on this, so...

I got a question in over at the Reiss's Pieces mailbag (Patriots Blog). Its on Tully Banta-Cain and the 7th question down:

http://www.boston.com/sports/football/patriots/extras/askreiss/05_12_09/?page=full

Although Mike Reiss runs one of the best blogs out there I do think he might be sleeping on Tully as well.

As I mentioned to him in the portion of my question that was abridged, Banta-Cain only started 6 games in 2006 and still managed 5.5 sacks! Thats more than either Mike Vrabel or Jason Taylor could manage this past year!

Banta-Cain is only 29 years old and I don't think its much of a stretch to expect a bounce back year from him now that he is reunited with the Patriots.

Tully Banta-Cain, everyone is counting you out but me. ...You're Welcome.

Belichick on the Draft

"Again, the best example I could give would be that it’s like studying for a final exam. You have a semester’s worth of information and material. Which five questions are going to be on the exam? I don’t know. You have to study all the material. You hope you are on the target for the ones he asks. When it is over, you probably wish you would have studied more on something else and maybe spent a little less time on another area, but that is the way it is in the draft every year. You have to be prepared for everything. In the end you don’t know exactly what it’s going to be."


...You're Welcome

How the Financial Crisis started...

Some guy made this for his Thesis.

I found it thanks to Dan Ariely's blog at http://www.predictablyirrational.com/

Its a pretty well done video, although it does go a bit long at 11 minutes (feel free to fast forward)




...You're Welcome

Coach K Highlights

Saw Coach K today. A few highlights:

1) Re: The Down Economy. He doesnt like our country's attitude, too negative. Attitude is important, and you have to have a Winning Attitude.

2) "We [always] want the truth now". Even if honesty sucks, you still want to hear it and without delay.

3) Re: Olympic Team and balancing the right amount of humbleness. You do want humble in some ways, and its good sometimes...

"But when the sh*t hits the fan you don't want humble people"


...You're Welcome

Jay Cutler is a Whiny Little Girl

Jay Cutler is a whiny little girl.

Doesn’t it make sense that Josh McDaniels would consider trading for what to him is a known entity in Matt Cassel?

It's not McDaniels' fault that Cassel already knows McDaniels' offensive system and Cutler doesn’t.

It's not McDaniels' fault that McDaniels has coached Cassel since his first days in the league.

It's not McDaniels' fault that Cutler had a great year and probably is at an all time high as far as trade value.

It's just plain not McDaniels' fault that he was willing to talk with his former team about acquiring his former quarterback.

Sure, McDaniels was an idiot and didn't massage Cutler's ego like other older-more-savvy-veteran-ass-kissers would have. Bottom line is Cutler should shut up and play. But that's not happening.

At the beginning Cutler was unwilling to meet with McDaniels, saying "They want me to come in and talk to 'em but I'm not doing it right now". He was "too stung" to even talk with the Broncos by phone.

But after finally meeting with McDaniels and the GM on Saturday he is now somehow surprised that McDaniels didn't invite him out for a beer!?!?!...

Cutler astoundingly said: "You know, even after the meeting, I hung around town, kind of expecting [McDaniels] to call me and say, 'Hey, let's just me and you get away and have lunch or a cup of coffee' and mend things, but that didn't happen."

WTF?!?! Talk about whining that you gave a guy your number and he never called you!

In fact, Cutler said he'd call but he never did. According to McDaniels, "He was gonna call me on my cell phone [after the meeting] and that never happened."

But it was Cutler who had refused to meet with McDaniels one-on-one in the first place, insisting instead that his agent be present.

Does Cutler want McDaniels to invite him out on a date with the agent as a chaperon? WTF?!?!?

I can hear Cutler crying from here: Waaaaah...now I have to sell my 2 million dollar Denver house. Waaaaah...now the only place I will be able to stay is at my other place in Denver that is a Penthouse condo downtown. Waaaaaah...or maybe I can stay at my other offseason house in Nashville. Waaaaah.

Just shut up and play.

...You're Welcome

Top 13 Facebook Marketing Tips Part 1

Tips for marketing yourself on Facebook. Because there is no more important brand image to maintain than your own.

Part 1 of a two-part series....

13) Constantly update your Status

This one is a no brainer. If you don't update your status then why would you even bother marketing yourself via Facebook. If this applies to you, then I suggest that you focus your efforts instead on helping to improve my facebook brand image.

12) Comment on your own Status

By lengthening the visual space surrounding your Status Message you separate it a bit from the neighboring Status Messages in the list.  This makes it more likely to catch the eye of friends scrolling through the list, helping to give prominence to whatever pointless thing it is that you are doing.

11) Blog about your Facebook Status

Cross-promotion is essential. http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1304195&ref=profile

10) Be either the first or the last to wish someone happy birthday.

If you are first to post on their wall then everyone with subsequent birthday wishes will notice that you were first. If you are last then anyone checking the profile later will see you as the most recent posting.

9) Post on other people's Walls whenever you have any excuse to.

There are two reasons for this: 1) People will see it and think of you, and 2) The recipient is likely to reciprocate by posting a message onto your Wall boosting your implied popularity.

8) Delete any News Feed messages on your Wall that are unflattering.

For example, if someone posts on your Wall that "you are just a dumbass trying to get attention on Facebook" then apply the golden rule: They are a dumbass and their post should be deleted.

...You're Welcome

Top 13 Facebook Marketing Tips Part 2

The eagerly anticipated Part 2...

7) Do not Tag Photos on the same day that you upload them.

This will encourage people to view all of your photos instead of just the ones that they are tagged in. Then, go back and tag all of these photos a day or two later. This second step is essential so that your act of Tagging appears in people's News Feeds for a second time (in addition to the time when you simply uploaded).

6) Do not comment on photos on the same day that you upload or tag them.

This is for the same reason as in #7. Upload photos for attention. Comment on them later for more attention...

5) Encourage people to change their settings so that YOU appear in their News Feed more frequently.

Direct them to the lower left box on this page: http://www.new.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/feed_prefs.php

4) Toggle your Profile Picture constantly.

This is vital. It is done to increase the number of times that you appear in other people's News Feeds. They will see not just your name, but a visual image to help keep you top of mind. Keep in mind that you do not need a constant supply of new pictures. Simply choose your best ones and toggle back and forth between them.

3) Call attention to your Relationship Status by toggling it back and forth to "Single".

This is #4, only applied to a different component of your profile. It is recommended for females only and is executed by changing your relationship status from "Single" to no relationship status listed. Now check your Wall and delete the evidence (the line item that says "Charlize is no longer single"). Wait a day, then go ahead and toggle it back to "Single". Your wall will now show a nice fresh new message reminding the world that "Charlize is now single".

2) Properly format your Profile Picture Thumbnail.

People will see this version of your profile picture more often than the entire photo itself, so it is vital that the thumbnail doesn't cut off your head.

1) Only allow other people to "co-star" in your Profile Picture strategically.

Do not take this lightly. As Confusious probably would have said, were he still alive: "When in doubt, cut them out." Others should only be allowed to appear alongside you when they are a clear value-add. Examples include: Someone of the opposite sex that is impressively hot, someone that is known to be good looking but happens not to look good in this picture (on a relative basis you will look good next to them), a cute baby, a cute dog, etc, etc.

...You're Welcome

Birthday Gift Guidelines

[I am not serious...]

...but here are some Birthday Gift Guidelines. If you don't know what I am talking about, please check the Birthdays section of your Facebook homepage.

1) Anything that you are shipping should be sent to:

2211 Hillsborough Rd
Apt 4113
Durham, NC 27705

2) If you procrastinated, don't worry about doing the express shipping. Save the money, add it to the value of the gift, and just apologize profusely for it showing up late.

3) I wear a Men's Medium.

4) No, ice cream does not make a particularly good birthday gift.

5) Yes, I am registered at Williams-Sonoma.

6) No, I do not mind if you get me a gift on your own or if you pool together with others.

7) No, money is not an impersonal gift.

8) Whether I got you anything is irrelevant. Your birthday was a while ago.

9) No, you can never have enough Blu-Ray players.

10) Yes, a gift receipt is probably a good idea.


As usual, I am not serious, but I do mean it when I say...
...You're Welcome

"Top 5 Games - Duke/UNC in Cameron"

The Big Game is wednesday night, 9pm.





...You're Welcome

12 Year Olds Did This

I enjoyed it. Courtesy of E. Fun.




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