"The Republican Downfall"

Courtesy of FuquaVision, and not for the illiterate readers of my blog...

...You're Welcome

You’re Broke, Tax Like It

[This article (by me) is reprinted from The Fuqua Times. It is intended for Second Year (SY) business school students.]

Face it, as an SY, you’re broke. You’re massively in debt. You barely earned five figures this summer. You ain’t payin’ sh*t in taxes. Or iz you?

If your only income this calendar year is the $20,000 you made this summer, you’re probably in a pretty low tax bracket. This is where your good old down-40% 401k comes in. You’re going to have to pay taxes on those 401k distributions eventually, why not take the tax hit now? When are you ever going to be in a lower tax bracket than you are this year?

Top 10 Most Pretentious Bottled Waters

10) Glaceau Smartwater - Sometimes a name doesn't say a lot about the people drinking it.

9) Perrier/Gerolsteiner/S. Pellegrino - These waters are carbonated which means you are not only pretentious but you also hate for your water to taste good.

8) Ethos - Its not enough to pay $4 for a cup of coffee, you go to Starbucks to get ripped off on bottled water too.

6) Fiji - I have seen Jews at school saving their empty bottles and refilling them at the water fountain. MUST be expensive.

5) Voss - Norwegian, Artesian, and the name most likely to come up when playing the word association game and giving the person the phrase "pretentious bottled water".

4) Evian - Evian coming in at only #4 is not to say that the French aren't pretentious, just that they have gotten a little cocky about being pretentious and let others catch up.

3) Trump Ice - Nothing says cla$$y like drinking water with a giant close up picture of Donald Trump's mug on it.

2) Sly Pure Glacial Water - Because when you think premium bottled water the first thing that you think of is water officially sponsored by Sylvester Stalone. $16 per gallon.

1) Bling H2O - Paris Hilton was alleged seen pouring some of this water for her dog. That might not have been enough to make it #1, except for the fact that it costs $40 a bottle.


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Yerry Jang

So Citigroup announces today that they are going to cut costs by firing 52,000 people and the stock goes down.

Meanwhile Yahoo! fires only ONE guy and within hours the stock goes up in value by $500 million.

Say what you will about executive compensation being out of hand (having the right CEO might not be worth the huge salary), but having the wrong guy sure costs you a ton.

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SITC

[Spoilers Alert]

Sex In The City has apparently made it to the DVD shelves, so I figured I should see what all the fuss was about. I was shocked! It was actually not a terrible movie if you take away all the male bashing. This was one of the biggest surprises of a movie that I was shocked to enjoy, the likes of which haven't been seen since "Music & Lyrics". But, as I continue to perpetually learn the hard way, one should never underestimate Hugh Grant. But anyway, back to SITC...

SERIOUSLY, why so much dude hating?

Steve cheats on Miranda once and she is completely done with him? Come on. They hadn't had sex for 6 months!? WTF?! No, that is not a typo, according to the script it says "6 months" and that was confirmed by the Director when I listened to his commentary on the DVD. I mean if its been 6 months I think that you have to forgive him for cheating. Maybe no sex for another 3 months as punishment or something but certainly you have to take him back.

And none of the other 3 girls can frickin say something to Miranda?! I mean what is the point of having 3 other broads on the show if none of them has the balls to talk some sense into her. Ridiculous.

Meanwhile all the little girls watching at home are thinking "when I grow up I am going to hate men". Good job SITC [this last comment is meant to be sarcastic].

And lets talk about BIG. He is 5 minutes late for a wedding. 5 MINUTES! What, like a girl has never been late for anything before?! A girl has never been a little less than punctual at her own wedding before? Seriously? In New York? With all that traffic? I mean, WTF. Think about it...he doesn't show, she flips and leaves, then he finds her in the street. Ok, there you go, he finds her in the street and then they turn around and go back to the church. Like the people are going to suspect something is up because the bride and groom show up 5 minutes late? Come on! Ridiculous. It would have been fine.

But NO. Instead, Carrie has to try to break BIG's jaw with the bouquet. Instead, little girls everywhere are watching and thinking "if he's ever late for anything, I should physically assault him with whatever weapon is most readily available." Great. Thanks SITC for setting such a shining example for the young females of America.

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"The Great Schlep"

If you are not Jewish you can skip this one...


The Great Schlep from The Great Schlep on Vimeo.
Play

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"Don't Vote!"

Technically, if you watch this then you have to get 5 other people to go to my blog and watch it too...



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Matt Damon rips Palin

Not intended to be funny, but it is interesting...



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Jon Stewart & the Sarah Palin coverage

Pretty awesome if you are the type that hates Fox News...

(Thanks to Priscilla for sending this)



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Fukwa Day 1 Winners/Losers

Day 1 Winner

Courage

Day 1 Loser

Hour-long speeches about Courage

Day 1 Loser

The cancelled Fuquavision show that apparently would have only had a 12 minute timeslot anyway.

Day 1 Winner

The inspiring 2 hour afternoon session in Geneen that did NOT get cancelled.

Day 1 Winner

Fukwa dean's news that we "did not lose any professors to other big competitor schools".

Day 1 Loser

People who must have lied when they told me that we actually did lose multiple professors such as strategy Professor Lichael Mennox to UVA.

Day 1 Winner

People who wanted to eat Ice Cream for dinner. [There was an Ice Cream Social at 6pm]

Day 1 Loser

People who feel that if the new cafeteria is so great maybe it should actually be open for dinner.

Day 1 Winner

The newly installed sleeping gas machine in Geneen.

Day 1 Winner

Leaders of consequence

Day 1 Loser

People with big mouths AND kneecaps.

Day 1 Winner

People who like getting a coursepack without being billed $300 on their bursar account.

Day 1 Winner

People who no longer have to receive Lebuff sends emails.

Day 1 Loser

People who get to receive spam from Wed Tilliams instead.

Day 1 Winner

The statistics in "Good to Great" that everyone agrees are ironclad.

Day 1 Loser

The statistics in "Good to Great" that have an "n" of 11.

Day 1 Winner

People who like starting school at 8am.

Day 1 Loser

People who like starting school at 7am (losers because we don't start at 7am until Day 2).

...You're Welcome

Ten Terrible Business Ideas

In case the finding a job thing didn't work out for you this summer, here are some terrible business ideas...

www.Things-Ebay-Won't-Let-You-Auction-Off-But-We-Will.com

Sort of like being able to waltz onto an airplane with a bagful of liquids and a vodka laced Slurpee. I'm pretty sure eBay won't let you auction off a vodka laced Slurpee on their website, but we sure as hell will.

www.RandomLetterGenerator.com

Like with numbers, but with letters.

NetBooks

Like Netflix, but for books! Like a library, but you get to pay!

WonderBoxers

Like the wonderbra, but a different sort of lift.

The Floating Bathing Suit

Includes two floating cup holders as well.

The Spring Olympics

Who decided that Winter deserved the Olympics but Spring didn't?!? WTF!!! This would instantly be the second best season with an Olympics.

www.duke.fuqua.edu/DE-PLAGIARIZER/

Paste any content and our thesaurus randomly replaces words with synonyms. Now you're no longer plagiarizing, you're just paraphrasing!

www.Pretend-You-Have-Been-There.com

We'll send postcards "from you" postmarked in Hawaii. We'll photoshop you into pictures in front of the Eiffel Tower...You sit on your couch while we convince you're friends that you're a world-traveler.

The 13oz beer can

Almost 10% more beer than usual.

Hand-Sanitizer-Body-Wash

For the shower. Good for the environment. No water needed.

Incoming Email Spell Checker

Quickly find spelling mistakes from your friends' emails and point them out to everyone with automated reply-all's.

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If you are fan of The Hills...

You might enjoy some Justin Bobby...

See more James Franco videos at Funny or Die

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What the f*ck are these people doing on my bed?!?!

Seriously. I randomly found this photo on facebook. Guess who's room this is? MINE! That's my bed! In Durham! But I'm in Pittsburgh! WTF!

Guess who this girl is?

I DONT KNOW WHO THE HELL IT IS EITHER!

Guess who the camera guy is?

I have no clue.

I DONT EVEN KNOW WHO THE CAMERA GUY IS!!!

Luckily, I do know the dude on the right, but I don't know why he is running game ON MY BED.

Why is my roommate renting out my room by the hour!?! The room isn't even unpacked. You can barely walk in there because there are boxes all over.

Anyway, if anyone would like free sheets and a comforter, I will be giving mine away. Let me know if you want them. They are pictured above.


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Dinner at Ikea: $2.50

I accidentally stumbled on a gold mine for poor people everywhere: 2 Hot Dogs, 1 Bag of Chips and a Bottomless Soda for only $2.50 at Ikea.

And I'm pretty sure I could have just walked out without even doing any shopping.

I think I am going to recommend it for dinner to the next homeless guy I run into. I figure that Joe homeless guy could grab a couple dogs and then just park himself in one of those Swedish beds for the night. Ikea generally saves money by not having a lot of staff on hand in the showroom so I doubt anybody would notice him.

Especially if he goes for the top bunk in one of those Kid themed rooms.

That's pretty much a 5 star hotel experience for the homeless at the bargain rate of $2.50 a night (with room service included).

So if you are a homeless person reading my blog OR if you are just a cheap bastard with an Ikea near you...

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From the Pineapple Express trailer...

Decent song. "Paper Planes" by M.I.A....



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Bill O'Reilly Dance Remix

Courtesy of English, Bill O'Reilly Flips Out Dance Remix. As usual with things English passes along, earmuff your kids.



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Top 10 Email Signatures

These tend to work best on your Work email:

10) Thanks in advance for not screwing this up,
Andrew

9) Tepid Wishes,
Andrew

8) Highest Available Regards,
Andrew

7) You don't have to thank me,
Andrew

6) 97% Lie Free,
Andrew

5) Watch your back,
Andrew

4) Most non-sarcastically yours,
Andrew

3) Almost 100% Sincerely,
Andrew

2) Thank you for reading all the way to the bottom,
Andrew

1) ...You're Welcome,
Andrew

If you liked this, please see: Top 10 Email Signatures Part 2
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Have you seen this girl?...She owes me $10

Was at a wedding the other night. Unfortunately, the local pub we went to for the after-party did not operate under the same "open bar" procedures.

To fix the problem I secured the services of a bar patron that looked particularly capable of performing "unofficial" waitressing. I immediately assigned her $50 and alcohol procurement duties.

A drink here and a drink there and she quickly came in handy. Imagine my surprise then, when 45 minutes after purchasing 2 cocktails, 3 beers, 1 water and 8 jukebox tunes for us she was nowhere to be found.

Now I am no mathematician but there is no way that 5 drinks at a townie bar in the middle of nowhere Ohio costs more than 40 dollars, I don't care what kind of tip you leave. Earlier I had split the tab for 5 Jaegerbombs AND cinco Dos Equis with Daniel and those TEN drinks had only been $40 combined. As far as any reasonable person is concerned I should have been due $10 change even after giving her a healthy tip.

Luckily as a Jew I collect on all of my debts. So we immediately googled this girl's obscure first name and incredibly found her picture (shown above). Now, all we have to go on is this picture, which is why we need your help.

If you see this girl, she owes me 10 bucks. She claims to live somewhere in Tennessee and was last seen wearing khaki shorts, a lanyard and a red t-shirt.

...You're Welcome

Ice Cream Hall of Fame Profile

Flavor: Dove, Unconditional Chocolate

Ingredients: Milk Chocolate, Dark chocolate swirl, Milk chocolate chunks, Solid layer of Chocolate Ganache across the top.

Delivery Vehicle: Pint size allows for finishing in one sitting.

Ideal Beverage Best pairing: Properly chilled bottle of Poland Spring, 2008.

% Daily value of Fat: 104% for the whole pint, 26% if you are a pussy.

% Daily value of Vitamin C: Less than 2%

Store Distribution: Mediocre. Not available at stores run by uninformed dumbasses.

Jew Appeal: Mixed - Kosher, yet not the best value.


...You're Welcome

"Realistic" Superheroes

There's a whole debate in movies about suspension of disbelief. Its pretty much a load of B.S.

I saw The Incredible Hulk. It was good. But it could have been better if it was more realistic.

Now you are probably saying, "ITS A FRICKING COMIC BOOK OF COURSE ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE REALISTIC!" You might have a point except that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the characters.

The Matrix is a great movie. But part of what makes it a great movie is that the characters act like real people. Sure, they are in a crazy invented world where you can stop bullets but the characters still act like they should IF that world did exist.

The problem with sci-fi movies that are annoyingly unrealistic is when the characters do dumb things. I don't know about you but if the Incredible Hulk DID exist, and I saw him, I would haul ass in the opposite direction. When I watch The Incredible Hulk (not the 2003 one, the new one), I can't stand when a human just stands there waiting to get in the Hulk's way. Idiots. Not realistic.

I don't care about people who say you have to have a "suspension of disbelief". I say the people in the movie still shouldn't act like dumbasses. And I don't think thats too much to ask.

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Multiple Choice Blog Feedback

Please provide your multiple-choice blog feedback:

Category 1: Haters

A) This blog sucks.
B) What is the point?
C) This blog is great...for me to poop on
D) Delete this blog before anyone the people at work see it and fire you.
E) This blog is awesome, except for the content.
F) How are you able to suck in such a wide variety of ways?
G) I hope you haven't spent a lot of time on this crap.
H) I can't wait to tell all my friends about your blog...and how much it sucks.

Category 2: People Who Have Good Taste
I) I didn't know something this brilliant was even possible
J) This blog is amazing, how can I be more like you?
K) Are you single?
L) Pure Genius
M) Where can I send fan mail to?
N) I want to rate every post as 5 stars but I don't have time since there are just so many awesome ones
O) I am so excited about your new blog that I would like to do a guest blog post.
P) Your blog is so great that I refresh the website every 5 seconds to check for new posts, AND
I subscribed to it for my Google homepage, AND my Google Reader, AND I put it on my MyYahoo! page, AND I bookmarked it, AND I set my Facebook status to "checking the '...You're Welcome" blog.
Q) Thank You...

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*Post your answer as a "Comment". You may choose more than one response.

Top 8 Things to say at your Internship...

The Top 8 Things to say at your Internship...when someone walks over to your desk and asks you a question that you don't know the answer to.


8) What happened to the good old days when all the intern had to do was blow the president?

7) There's no such thing as dumb questions, just dumb people.

6) I don't know, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

5) Listen, You Do The Math.

4) Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom (I hear that girls use this one all the time at bars and it works pretty well).

3) I don't care if we're both dudes, I can still claim sexual harassment if you push me on this.

2) Why don't I just go and print some TPS Reports while I'm at it. Would that make you happy?

1) I've got 99 problems, but being your b*tch ain't one.

...You're Welcome.

Even fat people have dead friends

Many people come up to me and ask how they too can go from a 6 pack to 8 pack abs. A Japanese hooker recently asked to get a peak at my stomach little more than a week ago. Not being able to speak English, she even tried to get a look without permission. Ok, that anecdote is not entirely true, in point of fact she was actually a Chinese hooker but these are just trivial details.

The point is, what do I tell these people who ask how they too can be svelte? Just because they don’t have the time for 7 minute abs, is there nothing that they can do?

I tell these people to pour out the last bite of their food for their dead homeys. That’s right. Many of you already pour a swig out of your 40 to pay homage to your dead homeys. It’s the same thing. But with food. Just like pouring out liquor, take your last bite of pizza and throw it in the trash.

Even fat people have dead friends.

This way you will be giving big ups to your dead friends AND eating less. Most fat people eat at least 2000 calories a day. Pour out your last bite and even if its only 5% of each meal that will still take out over 100 calories a day.

I know what you are gonna say…“people don’t like me for all sorts of reasons and being fat is just one of them.” Sure, not being fat anymore won’t solve all of your problems, but at least it’s a start.

…You’re welcome.