The Darker Side Of Facebook

Facebook needs to embrace the Dark Side...

Top 14 Things We Need To Know About On Facebook (That They Don't Want To Tell Us):

14) "Bob is no longer friends with Bill."

If two people are no longer friends, I want to know about it!

13) "Diane logged in yesterday and viewed Margot's page but did not wish her a happy birthday."

I wonder why not?

12) "Doug has written on Michelle's wall 3 times in the last 10 days."

Doesn't that seem a little much?

11) "Bob would like to be your friend on Facebook. FYI, he was born prior to 1970."

Maybe you should really think this one through before clicking "Confirm". 

10) "Wendy clicked "Like" on 11 different status updates yesterday."

She's kind of a kiss-ass.

9) "Rachel posted this link on Facebook (not Twitter) since Twitter is stupid."

We all know Facebook doesn't like Twitter. F'book should just admit it. Or better yet, they should passive-aggressively talk smack about Twitter via new phrasing like this!

8) Alert, Gayle's profile picture was posted over 500 days ago.

Maybe she hasn't looked that good in a while.

7) "Bob is still not in a relationship."

Enough said.

6) "You have already uploaded over 80 pictures to this album."

Do you really think people are going to want to look at all of them?

5) "Becca has not written on Carly's wall, even though Carly wrote on hers."

Interesting.

4) "The following people did NOT write on your wall for your birthday..."

Do they not care about you?

3) "Justine has logged more than 14 hours on Facebook.com this week."

Maybe you should get her "a life" for Christmas.

2) "Mike saw your name on his chat list three different times yesterday but did not message you."

He must not want to talk to you.

1) "Sara untagged herself from Marla's picture."

Probably because she didn't like the way she looked in it. (See for yourself [link])

...You're Welcome

Top Nine Outgoing Voicemail Messages

This is what you would hear when you call me and I don't pick up. Vote on which one you like best and I'll use the winner on my iPhone:

9) Hi it's Andrew. Our menu options have recently changed...

8) Hi it's Andrew. Thank you for not texting me.

7) Hi it's Andrew. Please leave a message and have a great week. Note how much nicer I am than people who just say "have a nice day". I’m actually wishing you 7 times as much niceness as they are.

6) Hi it's Andrew. Por espanol oprima numero dos.

5) Hi it's Andrew. I’m here to listen. Tell me whatever you like. Take as much time as you need. I promise I won't interrupt. But if you actually need a response, just go ahead and email me.

4) Hi it's Andrew. I'm screening this call so if you want a callback, you better make it good.

3) Hi it's Andrew. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now.

2) Hi it's Andrew. Unfortunately you have reached me during a peak calling period when I am low on minutes. Please call back during my "off-peak hours" (after 9pm or Saturday/Sunday). Thank you for your cooperation during this difficult time.

1) Hi it's Andrew. Please remain on the line and a representative will be with you shortly...


...You're Welcome