Christmas Cabbie

It's not every night when the cab driver wants to shake your hand before you exit the vehicle...

Clearly non Christmas celebrating Cab Driver: How is your Christmas going?
Me: Not good. I got bupkis from Santa.
Clearly Middle Eastern Cabbie: What’s bubkis?
Me: Its Yiddish for “nothing”.
Clearly ESL Cabbie: Maybe Santa doesn’t speak Yiddish.
Me: I think you are missing my point.

Cabbie: So what was all that noise when I picked you up?
Me: Oh that was the neighbors kids.
Cabbie: Its 1:45am!
Me: I know! These kids must have gotten into the secret stash of Four Loko cuz they are bouncing off the walls in the backyard.
Cabbie: Backyards don't have walls, they have fences.
Me: Thank you for pointing out my oversight.

Cabbie: What are they doing over there?
Me: They are running around in a big circle and screaming.
Cabbie: Why?
Me: I think they are trying to flag down Santa.
Cabbie: Does that work?
Me: I dunno, but they looked like a bunch of starved castaways...on a desert island...trying to flag down a passing plane...like their life depended on it; so yeah I think they’ve actually got a shot at it.

Cabbie: I don't believe that Santa Claus is actually real.
Me: What gave it away?
Cabbie: I realized a year or two ago that it's just very unrealistic. Having thought about it, I think it is pretty obvious that Santa isn’t real.
Me: You might be on to something.

Cabbie: Did you know that Santa’s not even in the bible?
Me: That’s cool that you skimmed through the bible looking for references to Santa. Way to do your research.
Cabbie: I’m Islamic…
Me: [Feigning surprise…]
Cabbie: You want to know the much more realistic story that we teach our kids?
Me: [Feigning interest…]
Cabbie: [Proceeds to give me a surprisingly thorough and unsurprisingly passionate 30 second rendition of the story of Abraham's Sacrifice.]
Me: [After hearing about how the angel flew down from heaven with a sheep…] At least you are not lying to your kids about some crazy made up story like this whole Santa thing. Your hoax is much more reasonable.
Cabbie: [Proudly offers his hand in the hopes that I will shake it.]
Me: [I oblige.]
Cabbie: Have a great night!
Me: Merry Christmas!

Cabbie: Thank you!

Me: ...You're Welcome

Kyle Singler vs. Kyle Singler in H.o.r.s.e

Duke basketball's regular season starts tomorrow.

Here's a cool video of Kyle Singler making shots from literally everywhere.

And a decent New York Times article on him too.


...You're Welcome

Pretty Good Video Game Commercial

Pretty good commercial for a video game. Call of Duty: Black Ops. Check it out...




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The Darker Side Of Facebook

Facebook needs to embrace the Dark Side...

Top 14 Things We Need To Know About On Facebook (That They Don't Want To Tell Us):

14) "Bob is no longer friends with Bill."

If two people are no longer friends, I want to know about it!

13) "Diane logged in yesterday and viewed Margot's page but did not wish her a happy birthday."

I wonder why not?

12) "Doug has written on Michelle's wall 3 times in the last 10 days."

Doesn't that seem a little much?

11) "Bob would like to be your friend on Facebook. FYI, he was born prior to 1970."

Maybe you should really think this one through before clicking "Confirm". 

10) "Wendy clicked "Like" on 11 different status updates yesterday."

She's kind of a kiss-ass.

9) "Rachel posted this link on Facebook (not Twitter) since Twitter is stupid."

We all know Facebook doesn't like Twitter. F'book should just admit it. Or better yet, they should passive-aggressively talk smack about Twitter via new phrasing like this!

8) Alert, Gayle's profile picture was posted over 500 days ago.

Maybe she hasn't looked that good in a while.

7) "Bob is still not in a relationship."

Enough said.

6) "You have already uploaded over 80 pictures to this album."

Do you really think people are going to want to look at all of them?

5) "Becca has not written on Carly's wall, even though Carly wrote on hers."

Interesting.

4) "The following people did NOT write on your wall for your birthday..."

Do they not care about you?

3) "Justine has logged more than 14 hours on Facebook.com this week."

Maybe you should get her "a life" for Christmas.

2) "Mike saw your name on his chat list three different times yesterday but did not message you."

He must not want to talk to you.

1) "Sara untagged herself from Marla's picture."

Probably because she didn't like the way she looked in it. (See for yourself [link])

...You're Welcome

Top Nine Outgoing Voicemail Messages

This is what you would hear when you call me and I don't pick up. Vote on which one you like best and I'll use the winner on my iPhone:

9) Hi it's Andrew. Our menu options have recently changed...

8) Hi it's Andrew. Thank you for not texting me.

7) Hi it's Andrew. Please leave a message and have a great week. Note how much nicer I am than people who just say "have a nice day". I’m actually wishing you 7 times as much niceness as they are.

6) Hi it's Andrew. Por espanol oprima numero dos.

5) Hi it's Andrew. I’m here to listen. Tell me whatever you like. Take as much time as you need. I promise I won't interrupt. But if you actually need a response, just go ahead and email me.

4) Hi it's Andrew. I'm screening this call so if you want a callback, you better make it good.

3) Hi it's Andrew. If you know your party's extension, please enter it now.

2) Hi it's Andrew. Unfortunately you have reached me during a peak calling period when I am low on minutes. Please call back during my "off-peak hours" (after 9pm or Saturday/Sunday). Thank you for your cooperation during this difficult time.

1) Hi it's Andrew. Please remain on the line and a representative will be with you shortly...


...You're Welcome

Top Ten Condiments IN THE WORLD

11) Hot Mess sauce

I don’t think this exists yet (thus #11) but it's still top 15 on the name alone. If anyone recently invented a sauce and needs a name I would be willing to license you the naming rights.

There is no way people could see “covered in Hot Mess Sauce” on a menu and not order it.

10) Duck Sauce

Not necessarily tops in QUALITY but that tends to be made up for with QUANTITY. Do I really need a full quart of duck sauce to dip five chicken fingers? Probably not. But most Chinese restaurants don’t want to risk it.

If you have ever eaten Chinese food and complained that the restaurant “did not give you enough duck sauce” then you have a serious problem.

9) Butterscotch

Condiments automatically get bonus points if they go well with ice cream.

8) Caramel

If an ice cream place offers both butterscotch AND caramel, I specifically ask for BOTH on my sundae. Mixing them isn’t alchemy or anything, but you will always get more TOTAL sauce by ordering both.

7) Sauce-They-Put-On-The-Chicken at any “Food Court” Chinese Food Place

Depending on the chain, they call it by different names but two things are ALWAYS the same:

1) The chicken is terrible

2) The sauce ON the chicken is amazing.

I don’t eat it due to reason #1, but you have to admit that it’s really not the sauce’s fault.

6) Arby's [self-titled] sauce

It’s hard to go wrong when a restaurant names a sauce after itself. You can be confident that the management have all tried the sauce themselves and are pretty damn sure that you will like it.

5) Sweet and Sour

Remember that time that you dipped something in sweet and sour sauce and did not like it? No, you don’t remember that because it hasn’t happened yet.

4) Hot Fudge

You don’t need me to explain this one to you.

3) Bojangles Honey Mustard

I have NEVER seen them give you less than two packets at a time. And I am pretty sure I know why. They must have given some guy only one pack back in the day and he must have gone postal. Now they always serve you AT LEAST 2 packs just to ensure that you don’t make a scene.

2) Lava

Best known for its work in “Molten Chocolate Lava Cakes”. Sometimes refered to as “ganache”. Little known fact: It actually tastes just as good without the cake! All that is really essential besides the Lava is a spoon.

1) Chick Fil A Sauce

Even God is pissed that it isn’t available on Sundays.

...You're Welcome

Excellent Fake Trailer

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Top 10 Email Signatures Part 2

For reference, please see: Top 10 Email Signatures Part 1

10) Take Care, but not too much,
Andrew

9) Oozing with Sincerity,
Andrew

8) I BCC'd someone but I'm not going to tell you who,
Andrew

7) Not "Sent from my iPhone" but I still want to point out that I do have an iPhone,
Andrew

6) Andrew "likes" this email,
Andrew

5) Dripping with Excellence,
Andrew

4) Sent from My Couch,
Andrew

3) Now would be a good time to scroll up and click "Reply",
Andrew

2) The New Slickness,
Andrew

1) You should have figured out by now who sent this,
Andrew


...You're Welcome,
Andrew

Burning NASCAR Questions

I have a friend that knows nothing about NASCAR. She went to meet racecar driver Matt Kenseth and asked me to provide her with some questions. Here's what I wanted answers to:

1) How much of Talladega Nights was real?
2) Do you ever forget to use your turn signal in real life since you don't have one on your racecar?
3) Conan or Leno?
4) Are nascar video games realistic? (How come I always crash?)
5) If nascar had referees stand out in the middle of the track would that make it more of a real sport?
6) Do you get sick of people saying nascar is not a real sport?
7) What were you for Halloween?
8) Tony Stewart is kind of a jerk, isn't he?
9) Have you seen Avatar? Wasn't it awesome!?!?!
10) Why don't northerners like nascar? Have you ever considered doing a "fan exchange" with the hockey?

Bonus Question - Have you ever used "if you ain't rubbin', you ain't racin' " as a pickup line? If so, does it work?


...You're Welcome